10:08 PM
Friday, July 31, 2009
Ok, today I'll try not to be so dreary and depressing.
Let's see... oh yeah. Last night, my relatives from England came over to stay. So my princess chambers was converted into a family room with baby diapers and muslin and milk and nappy bags all over the place. I didn't have a very good sleep in my parents' bedroom as I was freezing in the air-con cold (
to think I just came back from Alaska!), trying to cuddle myself as much as I could to generate whatever warm that was possible with the pancake-thin blanket sheet.
Anyway, woke up to the sound of baby cries and went downstairs for breakfast (
Nestum - the only soft food for my still sore jaw). Ok, I'll fastforward to the '
fulfilling' parts of the day and skip all the complaints..
- Practiced my Piano =) well, scales at least.
- Killed a few more ticks. We're winning the battle!
- Thouroghly cleaned my room with Kleenex glass cleaner, Wood Pledge; Vacuumed with Ajex (oookaaay.. I feel like I should be paid for advertising) and also my Dad's study room. Hehe, how kind of me yeah? But, kinda gave up when it came to the Master Bedroom. Shall do that tmr.
- Cooked my own porridge with leftover green chicken curry, freshly-cut cabbage as well as eggs. Weird combination, huh? Well, I had to experiment with whatever there was at home that I could actually chew...
- Started on my Resume. Actually, already started 2 days back but you know me, never satisfied; always meticulous when it comes to details. I'm such a nitpicker. At my own work, so don't worry.
So that's where the personal fulfilment kind of got ground to a halt when my Mum called to say she won't be coming home unless I wanted to accompany her to her aunty's place. Being the big baby that I am, I had to see my mama's face after the whole day of staring at the 4 walls of my house (
actually, there should be more than 4... I'll count them 1 day and let you know). So off we went to Toa Payoh where I met my relatives from London, again.
Oh, I got a taste of being an aunt when I had to bring 4-year old David to the loo. He didn't want to enter the Male toilet by himself even after a man and another boy went in. So I had to bring him to the ladies and he actually made me like enter the cubicle with him and help him with his pants. Which is... I don't know whether I should be weirded out. Honestly though, it felt like a
foreshadow of what my life as an Auntie would be in 6 months time. And, it felt quite natural, as if the motherly instinct was awakened. Sometimes I feel like a bigger sister; sometimes like a mother; sometimes like a friend. I guess that's what being an aunt is all about. =)
1:31 PM
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
I've been feeling so
depr
essed and
emotional lately.
Embarra
ssed too at my imperfect flesh, at my weakness, at my inability to control my own body. And it just dawned upon me that most negative words have the letters
d,
e and
s. Hmm.. and actually that kinda makes up the word '
sa
d'.
I think I need to see a doctor. But it's just so troublesome to look for a specialist, to make the appointment, to go through the check-up's and scans... only to find out what I'm afraid of finding. But still, I need to do it soon before my condition gets worse and before I lose total confidence in myself.
I'm just so glad that I have God with me. Sometimes, I feel so alone, so helpless. I wonder how atheists actually survive through the 'downs' in their lives, denying the existence of a Creator who cares about us. I feel so sad for them. I pity them. The hopeless, meaningless life they must be leading, which makes me all the more thankful that I've come to know God and he's been there for me. Always have, always will.
In fact, today's day's text really echoed my thoughts, to the extent that I actually choked up tears of comfort and joy, knowing that I have received spiritual food at the proper time.
Genesis 27:46 - "...I have come to abhor this life of mine..." The encouragement that followed really gave me the God-given strength and courage to cope with depressing situations.
You know, sometimes I wish that God could just hug me in his arms... and maybe he does, by means of an angel. Just as how the angels ministered to Jesus and comforted him, I'm sure He has sent his angels to comfort me in my times of distress. I pray that He will never ever forsake me, just as He has promised.
1:04 PM
Monday, July 27, 2009
So today I'm staying at home again for the rest of the day. Woke up early for piano but was still 20 mins late. Cleaning my teeth is just so difficult now that my jaw can't open. No one can say I've got a big mouth now. Haha..
Anyway, the issue in today's blog post will be on
Yasmin Ahmad's death. So young to pass away at the age of 51 due to a stroke. That's just 1 year older than my mum! So scary. I hope she doesn't have children my age.. not that I'm so young anymore but still it would be so scary if my mum was gone. Then I would be suffering right now with no one to cook for me porridge and give me emotional support in my times of pain (
although she did go out today lols).
Well, the first time I was introduced to Yasmin Ahmad was the beginning of this year when my Sociology Professor let us watch the first part of her movie
Sepet, which translated, means 'Slit/Chinese eyes'. The love story between a Malay girl and a Chinese boy was just so wonderful to watch. A simple, yet moving story that transcends all racial boundaries and proves that there is a common humanity that ties each one of us together. Also, the interview with Yasmin Ahmad on
Razor TV was really eye-opening as I finally could put a face to the name. Her personality also shown through. She seems to be a very strong and open-minded person (
having had relationships with an Indian, a Chinese and a Portuguese before).
We're different, yet the same. To quote a Watchtower article, "
people of all races are capable of the same human qualities, the same human feelings..." Because we've been made in the image of God, we possess wonderful qualities such as
love, the main theme of poems, dramas, film, art and music throughout the centuries, around the world.
This brings to mind the movie I watched yesterday (
yes, I actually went to a crowded mall looking like an abnormal chipmunk). I caught the film
Public Enemies starring Johnny Depp and Christian Bale. Even though the movie is categorised under the genre of Crime, Drama and History, I seriously think a running theme throughout is Love, Friendship and Loyalty. Except for the numerous scenes of rapid fire and machine guns, I can say quite frankly that I enjoyed the thrill and passion that abounded.
It is just so touching to see how a criminal, a murderer, can even as the Chinese would say "jiang yi qi", or in other words, act loyally with friends. It is even more touching to see how he remains faithful to the girl he loves, and even goes back to get her risking his own life. No wonder Jesus said in
Luke 11:13- "Therefore, if you, although being wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more so will the Father in heaven give holy spirit to those asking him!"
Right, indeed! Just seeing how loving America's Public Enemy #1 could be in the movie made me realise we all have the capability to love, to be good. It's just whether we choose to, or not.
With that, I end this post with '
Bye bye, Black Bird.'
2:41 PM
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Oh man... I feel like a
stroke patient. Although the numbness is fading as the local aneasthesia wears off, it is still so difficult to open my mouth to eat.
And now, the pain is starting to set in, the nerve sending the signals to my brain and the sharp yet constant tugging of the right side of my head. I know the pain I'm suffering is nothing compared to millions out there with chronic, debilitating illnesses. Yet, I just wish I wasn't blessed with the additional growth of wisdom teeth.
Having taken out 2 last year seemed like an easy feat and I managed to have a quick recovery. This morning, I was supposed to take out the remaining 2 wisdom teeth on the right side of my jaw, but eventually I left the dentist with the upper one
spared (
well, from the pain at least, since he did inject it a couple of times with a long needle to numb it with direct LA).
Here's why:
Last year, it took just 1/2 an hour to extract 2 wisdome teeth. Yet this year, even after 1/2 an hour, the oral surgeon was
struggling with
all his strength to apply pressure as he tried with
all his might to pull out the impacted tooth. It was really difficult since it had grown out horizontally instead of upright and he had to find the right angle to pull it out (
which apparently was never found).
So after 1 hour, and repeated drilling, tugging, and breaking of my tooth into chips, he managed to pull it out. It was the size of a walnut. I think I must have
prayed so much for God to give me the peace that excels all thoughts and guard my mental powers. It really worked cos while I was really worried and fearful (
I even dreamt about my wisdom tooth surgery last night), during the actual surgery, I remained rather calm and only flinched a couple of times when I felt pain.
I also prayed that God will give me the wisdom as to whether I should remove the upper tooth today as well. After all, the dentist said that that one was growing normally, just that my jaw was really small and tight. And that it probably wouldn't give me trouble for the next few years, at least. My mum wanted me to just pull out everything, like she did when she was 18 (all 4 at one go under GA). But after 1 hour plus in the dentist chair, and the dental surgeon asked, "So how? Want to pull out the upper one as well?" My mum immediately answered "No no... maybe next week then see how. She looks really tired already." Of course I was. I had to keep my mouth open for like 1 hour! But it really shows how God answers prayers. All the while, I thought the answer would come from the dentist himself. I even asked him what would he recommend but he remained non-committal. And here, the decision was made by my mum, the 1 person that was most convinced I should remove both today. How I love and appreciate God, the
Hearer of Prayer.
10:50 PM
Thursday, July 23, 2009
I am so glad that today I spent an entire day serving God. After watching Nancy Yuen's interview last night, I was so enouraged and strengthened by her faith and conviction throughout her ordeals up to the end of her life. It's so true what she said - that it's much easier to just think of pleasing God for the
next minute instead of the rest of your life.
After all, a life is converted into days, days into hours, hours into minutes.
This brings to mind Jesus' words in
Matthew 6:34 - "So, never be anxious about the next day, for the next day will have its own anxieties. Sufficient for each day is its own badness."
How wise.
Just looking at today's news about the
climbing numbers of swine flu cases and
a sick, perverted world of 3 prison inmates sexually assualting their former cellmate clearly shows we are living in critical times hard to deal with. Moral standards are almost non-existent and pandemics getting out of control. This world needs a change. It needs
God's Kingdom.
4:41 PM
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Haiz.
A sigh to start off today's post will just give you a clue as to how my day went...
Well, honestly it wasn't too bad, just that while I was out today in the Ministry, the button on my skirt fell off, then as if the scorching sun wasn't enough, the sole of my shoes came off and I had to tie a rubber band I found on the floor around the shoe so it would stick together and I wouldn't trip. In addition, as I was walking back to the car, the wind gave my umbrella a strong
"whoosh!" and my umbrella turned upside down, inside out.
So, with a
spoilt shoe, a
spoilt skirt, and a
spoilt umbrella, I went to collect my newly printed namecards from Bukit Timah Shopping Centre. Thank God I ran back in time to see the summon lady looking at my car for the coupon (which was put like 4 hours before). I mean I had only gone up for 5 minutes to make the payment and get my cards. It would have been ridiculous for me to tear a 50-cents coupon which would last an additional 25 mins. Oh yeah, my wallet was feeling kinda empty as well. Thank God Jesmine lent me $20 just before I dropped her off. If not, I would have had to find an ATM to withdraw money and not have gotten back in time to avoid a parking ticket on my windscreen.
To add on to the
spoiltness of today, my burnt, peeling skin got even more burnt cos of the Sun. Now it's so raw and sensitive. Painful too... =( And that reminds me of my Americaya shoes - beautiful black heels - only 3 months old and missing. Wonder if the cleaning auntie fancied it and decided to consider it 'thrown away'... *
Boo hoo*...
12:11 PM
Monday, July 20, 2009
I'm sitting here with a bowl of cornflakes in front of me as I contemplate how to convey to you, my dear diary, this
beautiful experience that I had last week. I'm not sure I'll do justice to it with my words but it's the best way I can ever get so close to telling you how I feel...
On the first day of Kyungbok College English Summer Camp, I had to face a class of 40 students who seemed as matured as me, some maybe even more. I wasn't even supposed to be there, but by a twist of (
I will not call it fate)
God's spirit, I, without the necessary paper qualifications, was covering for someone else. After ice-breakers, we had to go through a worksheet to familiarise ourselves with basic profile of a person. For e.g., favourite colour, favourite food, etc. One of it was the question: What is your religion?
And of all people, I chose Irene to answer the question. I didn't even know her name then. Thinking I heard someone say 'Catholic', I asked her again, "Irene, you are Catholic, right?" With an emphatic "No," she added that she was a Witness of Jehovah. I was stumped for a moment. Then, I corrected her English (
I can't believe my professional side actually did that) and said, "Jehovah's Witness". Maintaining professional expertise, I calmly continued with lessons.
Only on the 3rd day did I speak to her after class; the excitement in me just bubbling forth like a geyser about to explode. I was like "Me too!!! Do you want to attend the meetings?" I actually thought I saw tears of joy well up in her eyes as I felt the blood rushing up to my own cheeks. Nodding like one of those toys with a bob-head, she said yes and immediately asked me for directions and contact number.
I discovered that on her part, she had contacted Bethel a bit too late and so they had not got back to her in time. So evidently, Jah had answered her prayer. And I am so grateful and priveleged that He actually used me to contact her. It also goes to show that we really need to be proud of our own religion.
What if she had been shy to tell the class and answered 'Christian' instead?
What if someone else got to cover the teacher who could not make it?
What if I had chosen to ask another student the same question?
Things just wouldn't have been the same. I thank God for the beautiful,
beautiful experience that I've had. It enabled me to see the worldwide brotherhood we have. It enabled Irene (now I know her Korean name is Kim Mi Nah) to join us in worship here. She was so eager to attend even the Ministry! So encouraging...
And guess what? I'm going to Korea in about a month's time and I'll be able to see her and her family over there too!
Okaaay, Just pondering over this experience has made my cornflakes go soggy... back to eating now. =)
8:09 PM
Friday, July 17, 2009
I've had
enough and I seriously mean
ENOUGH of ticks. Those little buggers just won't let my family off. First, they slyly crawl up my Bobby, then they have the nerve to leave the ignorant host and come uninvited into our house.
I can't believe I spent an entire day -
my free day - smashing baby ticks, using a masking tape and sticking them onto the tape from the walls, and looking out for them till my eyes actually teared from being strained for 8 hours.
That almost made me hate Bobby. But, I also feel sorry for the big guy... He must be suffering after we put the tick powder on him and kept brushing him like a million times, waiting for those tiny 8-legged creatures to escape from their furry zone.
Now I'm like so paranoid I've to look at every inch of the wall when I walk up or down the stairs and check the chairs before I seat, even
while I seat. Thank God I'm meticulous.
One day of murdering hundreds of baby ticks feels like I've just experienced an internship in a pest-buster company. Wonder if they have a job opening for me... I'm sure I'll be an excellent
tick-inspector. =)
3:31 PM
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
It was definitely a dreaded decision. Dragging it to the last 5 mins to declare to the class of 40 Korean students that I had been their teacher for only 3 days. That I was covering someone else. That it would most probably be the last time they ever saw me.
The funny thing is even though I'm about the same age as them and would have been friends with them if I had perhaps met them somewhere else, the sense of loss I felt as I bid farewell was that of a teacher. I don't even think I felt like a mentor to them. 3 days of English grammar and games was not enough to build a strong bond between me and them but it was an experience I'll
never ever forget.
A few things I learnt from this camp:
- No matter how old we are, there's a kid in everyone of us. And chocolates, they're definitely an ice-breaker.
- Be strict but not too strict. Serious when it comes to assignments-"Don't play play" attitude would be helpful. But be a fun and loving person who is easy to approach when it comes to teaching/learning.
- Handling a class of 40 is no easy feat. But when you're lucky enough to get students with a good attitude, it becomes as easy as ABC.
- Always plan and prepare for an 8 hour lesson even if your lesson is only 4 hours.
- Never underestimate the abilities of your students.
- Learning the culture of your students and finding common ground is the best way to get their respect and attention.
- Last but not least, self-discovery: I can be professional and be up to the job when the time calls for it. Well, at least for a teaching job. Don't know about others though.
Yeap, so the perfect 7 to end a wonderful week of working. =)
11:04 PM
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
We've all heard this story before.
A boy commits suicide after failing his subject at school.
Was the problem really academic failure? Nope. It was the failure to meet up to his parent's expectations. It was the failure to please his parents. I would call it
pleasing failure.
Recently, I've become self-aware that I am no longer a small child by age. But, even more self-aware that there exists inside of me an even smaller child. Nope. I'm not pregnant. Don't think otherwise. I'm talking about the small child in me that desires so much to please my parents. Specifically, my mum.
So I decided. I need to do something before I go crazy. I will refer to
Eleanor Chin's article entitled 'Development of Self-Motivation: Why Pleasing Parents Too Much Can be Bad for Your Health'. She says that human motivation is driven by both intrinsic and extrinsic factors. Of course, parents and others come under extrinsic.
My mother wants me to continue learning piano regardless of my almost zilch interest in becoming a piano teacher. And my aunt from London tells me I should be a paediatrician instead of studying mass comm. Oh. And apparently I'm unfulfilled in what I am studying now. I will have to admit - yes. You see, the danger with external motivation of pleasing others lies in losing a sense of identity. Of course, if I couldn't even find myself, how could I be
fulfilled? And what I am studying now, it's true I chose it. But the fact was I wouldn't have entered Uni if it wasn't for pleasing my parents. If it wasn't for pleasing society. Ok, I sound pathetic.
Before I go down the lane of self-pity and depression, I'll take refuge in God and see what he says.
Colossians 3:20 - "You children, be obedient to your parents in everything, for this is well-pleasing in the Lord."
hmm... after meditation, I've come to the conclusion that the only way to please myself within safe boundaries is to please God. After all, wise King Solomon made an interesting point when he said: " Foolishness is tied up with the heart of a boy." -
Proverbs 22:15. Disobedience to parents would be sign of immaturity. And I would much rather score at pleasing and be mature, than be self-indulgent and immature.
Of course, I'd still have to find myself and progress in carving my identity. With just 1 more month before school reopens, I need to go through my closet and get rid of clothes I don't really like. Of clothes that others have passed to me in goodwill and I've been too afraid of upsetting them if I did not wear it. I need to start dancing like how I used to do. Before I my dance moves get rusty. And before I grow old and my bones get rusty.
Yet, in an attempt to reconnect myself, I intend to heed God's advice. Be nicer to my parents. Be kinder in my words. And always think in a calm manner before I speak. =)